I didn’t think about it before. Death was a thing, but not something I thought of. Then I started having panic attacks. Every single night.
It’s the aftermath of a life changing event. The kind of moment that changes how you perceive life itself. The kind that changes you from the inside out.
I spent many days staring at nothing particular. Just complete shock for weeks. I was functioning, barely. Going through the motions. Only the necessary things I needed to live. Food. Water. Sleep if it ever came. I was on repeat for so long I didn’t know I was a person anymore. Just a vessel that was getting its lifeforce sucked out all day.
Thoughts of death was just the beginning. All the big purpose questions flooded in. How could I have lived this long and not really questioned life? As someone without religion growing up, it’s not something I knew how to navigate. Still don’t.
Call it a spiritual awakening, even a “oh shit what the fuck is this life thing about anyway?” journey I didn’t realize I was going on. It start when a tiny human came out of my body. How is this possible? I know the mechanics, but how? Pregnancy is a mystery. We know it happens and how, but why? All the medical questions. Your body just knows. But pregnancy usually ends with a baby. Death ends with… and ending. Or maybe a beginning.
For months postpartum, I’d closed my eyes and see darkness. That must be death. But is it? Is the light at the end of the tunnel real? The universe is unbelievably big. We don’t know anything about why it exists, why we exist. And somehow, this tiny human has changed so much in me to actually search for that thing – that force greater than us. Find something bigger than life to be
